THIS IS THE GRANDFATHER'S STORY.
“Johnny” is over for a visit. We’re making a craft. He becomes frustrated with the tape dispenser.
When I ask if I can help he yells, he grunts, he tells me I’m rude . He tells me to get out of here.
Such is life with a challenging grandchild.
Where did it start?
Johnny came into the world six years ago and joined our family one day after his birth.
He was adopted. He was beautiful and he was ours.
As a grandfather waiting expectantly for a grandchild, this was an answer to my prayer.
The first year was amazing and caring and everything you expect as a grandparent. And mom and dad were happy and fulfilled.
And then, from age 1 to age 2 small differences were noted. Johnny didn’t like to hug. If he sat in your lap he sat erect and would not cuddle in. He seemed emotionally distant.
Is the adoption/abandonment an issue?
Johnny didn’t trust adults unless he knew them very well.
At age 2 years the explosions started.
Yelling. Demanding his own way. Sudden flare ups over very small issues.
Changes or transitions were difficult for him - going to bed, turning off TV, going home when visiting us.
He would yell and swing/hit. “You don’t love me”. “I hate you.”
This continued to age 5 years when he started kindergarten. He needs a full-time assistant. He is a runner and is easily bored and will simply leave the classroom. He is extremely clever and can manipulate but is emotionally immature. He is liked by his classmates but he controls everything: toys, the rules of the game - the entire play is dictated by Johnny. Amazingly most children tolerate it and go along. But for how long?
It was at this point that we knew that the professionals would need to be brought in. Doctors, psychologists. Was this autism? Or…….?
The conclusion was that Johnny has an Opposition Defiant Disorder. As well, he has an underlying Anxiety Disorder.
So we as grandparents, mom and dad, and teachers are being taught how to deal with the disorders.
We need to give a lot of warning for transitions. We need a method for responding to outbursts. We need to teach him that he must learn to consider the feelings of others. Reducing anxiety by not being too reactive. Drawing out his feelings when we see him get angry or upset. “You seem to be upset. What’s up?”
All of us are to use the same format of language and response to situations so that he is getting the same treatment/rules from all of us. Consistency is good. We must understand that he doesn’t like being this way. He can’t help it. So we must respond with gentleness and draw out the issues. Dictating like a “boss” doesn’t work.
The 90/10 rule applies here. 90% of the time he is a lovely little boy. 10% of the time he is a major, major challenge. If we allow it, the 10% could rule the roost. My daughter and her husband would likely disagree with my %. It is more difficult for them.
In the past 8 to 10 months since commencing this program there have been major improvements. Is it perfect? No. Whose life is perfect? But we are working at improving the life of our beautiful and challenging grandson.
I now hear him downstairs with Grandma, laughing, giggling and having fun. There really is hope!
Recommended reading: “The Explosive Child” by Ross W. Greene, Ph.D.
